I'm on a medication which has caused me to oversleep too frequently. I missed a class twice this week because I overslept. Not good. I talked to the professor, who was understanding, but still, not good.

I have four classes next week before break. Three of them were canceled. I've already done the readings for the fourth one. That means that this weekend has the potential to be incredibly productive as far as getting papers done. At this point, though, it does not look like that potential will be realized. I want it to be a productive weekend, but I haven't been emotionally up to being productive lately.

The only way I can feel remotely okay is by taking an extra medication which I am supposed to take as needed. It's a fantastic drug, but it makes me sleepy. Naps aren't bad, right? Just not very productive. I need to figure out some way of optimizing performance by striking the right balance of misery and drug-induced lethargy. It's not an easy task.

When Zephyr gets excited, he becomes extremely annoying.
When Zephyr gets excited, he sometimes starts hiccuping.
When Zephyr gets excited and becomes annoying, I sometimes call him an idiot.

These three situations coincided yesterday. He was being annoying and hiccuping at the door and I finally addressed him as the "hiccuping idiot." For some reason, that name made me laugh out loud. I don't think I'll ever be able to keep a straight face around anyone hiccuping now.

I realize I haven't posted in a while. I'm not sure why. Yes, I have an enormous amount of work to do, but I've utilized other means of procrastination.

Work
I have a 10-15 page paper on Paul Tillich (not yet started), a 15-20 page paper on Cyril of Jerusalem (research and notes started), and a take-home final (half done) all due within the next few weeks.
The Tillich paper is harder to get done because I'm extremely interested in the topic, but the paper replaces the final so if I don't actually finish it it just means that I take the final instead. Not only does that make motivation harder, but it also means that whenever I think about working on it I feel like I 'should' be doing some other work. So that's not getting done well.
My Cyril paper is not progressing as well as it should be at this point in the semester. It's due two weeks from Thursday, and the bulk of my research is not done. I still am not entirely sure what I'm going to say. I know I'm talking about baptism, the post-baptismal anointing, and the Eucharist in Cyril's thought, but I'm not sure what to say about them. My current plan, which might not be great, is (1) to give a brief introduction and discussion of some of the controversies about authorship and dating. Then, having done that, (2) proceed on the assumption that both the Baptismal Catecheses and the Mystagogical Catecheses were written by Cyril and analyze the theology of baptism. (3) Discuss the role of post-baptismal anointing in this scheme. (4) Structure of the Eucharistic prayer, Eucharistic theology. The problem is that 2, 3, and 4, all contribute to 1, but I don't want to put 1 last because my paper is not about the controversy in dating and authorship, and I don't have sufficient background to make any real conclusions on the matter.
(Wow, livejournal just helped me generate an outline for my paper! I should write here more often!)
The take-home final is going well, so I feel no need to discuss it here.

In spite of all the work, I still am very glad I chose to come to Notre Dame.

Registration
Tomorrow I register for next semester's classes. I am planning on registering for a PhD seminar, which could be good but could also turn out very badly for me. At this point, though, I think I do want to do my PhD at Notre Dame, so it makes sense to try it, and I don't think I'll ever feel ready for PhD-level courses until I actually get through one or two. The professor who teaches the class is someone I have this semester, and she told me I have a "top-flight mind," so she thinks I'll be able to handle it.
The bigger problem with registration is that all of the classes I plan to take meet on Tuesdays on Thursdays. So my schedule Tuesdays and Thursdays will be basically like having a full-time job of going to class, and every other day will be completely free. Of course, I'll have homework to do, which will inevitably be made more complicated by having so much unscheduled time. I have 3-day weekends this semester, but that means I get nothing done on most Fridays, so I hope having a 4-day weekend won't make me even less productive. I need to be productive.

Zephyr
Zephyr is doing well. He's finally starting to eat his new food. I got him the new food because the food I put him on at first does weird things to his digestive system. He also learned how to lie down on command and listens quite well to that.
I discovered that Zephyr does not understand that there is an intermediate state between "door open" and "door closed." If the door is partway open, even as much as almost halfway open, he will act as though it is closed. Today he was waiting outside my bedroom door whining because the door wasn't fully open. He didn't seem to realize he could walk through it! It's funny, but it makes sense because I doubt he ever encountered that kind of thing during his entire life on the track.
Some days I wish I could get a second greyhound. Some days I wonder why I even got the first one. Zephyr is exceedingly annoying when he wants to be. Most of the time, though, he's just a great dog. He's very sweet, and new people always comment on how docile he is. Also, I know that he's being more annoying in proportion to the lack of time I'm able to spend with him. Like most of the people in my life, Zephyr is having to deal with the fact that I am too busy (or too stressed when I'm not working) to engage in meaningful companionship.

Dating
Still nothing.

The Future
I want to do well here, obviously. I'm getting more sold on the idea of doing a PhD, although this upcoming semester should help me discern if that's something I really like. I read all the course descriptions for PhD seminars and there's so much I'd like to study. I just need to keep reminding myself that I don't need to worry about that right now, because I'm starting to get stressed out now about what might happen over a year from now.

Health
I don't really have time to take a road trip to see my doctor, so my hope is that the current medication fiddling is going to help me enough to make it through the semester. I need to stop worrying so much, because right now sometimes even when I'm motivated I'm too stressed to focus on working. And that's a shame because I could really get to like what I'm studying if I didn't let the sheer amount of work stress me out.

It's Friday night, and I already feel like I've lived a whole weekend.

Yesterday after class I picked up Zephyr and drove to Champaign. I ate dinner with my mother and brother. Then I went over to a friend's apartment. We stayed up late talking, and it was definitely one of the best conversations I've had in a long time.

After I got back to my mom's house, my sister came over, and we talked until it was even later.

This morning I woke up relatively early and went to see another friend. She wanted to meet Zephyr, so we went to the park and took a walk. When we got to the park, one of my former Classics classmates was there walking her dog. We had a close call when the other dog, Shorty, tried to make friends with Zephyr, who probably thinks that Shorty looked like a really fun chew toy. But it was awesome to see my classmate again. I miss the Classics people.

I dropped off my friend and headed over to see my psychiatrist. On the way, my brake pedal suddenly lost all its pressure and needed to be floored in order to work. I didn't have time to drop Zephyr off at my mom's house, so I took him in the car with me to see my doctor. When I was inside, she asked about him and I mentioned that he was in the car. She said I should bring him inside. Apparently her office even has dog treats. I brought him in and he stayed with me for the rest of the session. Now my psychiatrist and her secretary want me to bring Zephyr in every time I have an appointment. So that's really cool. Zephyr likes it, too.

I went home, took a nap, and then went out with my family to eat. Then we dropped off my sister and I took my car in to a repair shop. Turns out I wasn't supposed to drive it home with what the brakes were doing. The problem was that I have to meet with a classmate at noon tomorrow for a project we're doing, and I definitely needed to be home before the weekend was done because class is important. So my wonderful mother and brother drove me and Zephyr back to South Bend.

I finally got home and got settled back in. Zephyr was obviously very excited to be back. (Now he is happily snoring.) I got an e-mail from one of my classmates letting me know about the H1N1 vaccine. He suggested that I see if I can get vaccinated because I have asthma. He added, "Plus if you die I might not have anyone in Judaism class who'll laugh at my bad
jokes." That made me laugh out loud. I needed that.

Zephyr used to be called Gavin. He's lost that name now, but he's gained so many more.

Zephyr: This is his official name.
Zeph: Abbreviated name.
Zeph-Zeph: A repetition of his abbreviated name, just in case two syllables are called for but you still want a nickname.
Zephuros: His greek name.
The Zeph: Sam started calling him this, and it's caught on.
Ha-Zeph: This is Zephyr's name Hebraicized by Trisha.
Stinkypoo: I think this name is pretty self-explanatory.
Buddy: This is Zephyr's generic nickname. Var. Buddy Boy
Ridiculous Dog: This is Zephyr's name when he's being especially funny or especially annoying.

These names are in addition to his nicknames, which include Belly Rub Boy, Teeth Chatter Boy, and Elephant Boy.

The course catalog for next semester just came out today. I'm thinking of taking either Sacramental theology or New Testament theology (they're at the same time), foundations of moral theology, and mystery of God (a course on the Trinity). I also am thinking of taking a PhD seminar on theological anthropology, much as PhD-level work intimidates me.

The major problem with this schema is that all of these classes are Tuesday-Thursday classes. I tend to like a balanced schedule, but if I do this, I'll have 4 classes on Tuesday (including a 150-minute long PhD seminar) and 3 on Thursday. It will be crazy. I think I'll love Friday-Monday and Wednesday, and hate myself on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm not even sure how well my brain will work focusing for so many hours straight in one day.

The problem is that none of the Monday-Wednesday courses is as interesting to me as the ones I'm currently considering.

This week has been pretty good. I actually finished 3 essays on time, and I didn't think any of them were especially horrible. I also finally got my car back. The only problem with that is that now I can't afford anything else. But still, factoring the initial cost of my car, the cost of gas and routine maintenance, and the cost of the engine replacement, I've spent less than a dollar per mile on it, so it's a worthwhile expense. Much more worthwhile than trying to find another car for the same price.

My problem now is that I keep oversleeping. It's embarrassing and pathetic; I missed my 11 am class yesterday because I slept through my alarm and woke up at 10:50. Today I missed an 11:45 class for the same reason (I woke up at 11:30). I haven't missed any classes all semester, and now I've missed two in two days. This is really pathetic, and I'm on really low dosages of my sleeping meds and still can't sleep without them. I've never had trouble waking up to my alarm before on these meds. Now I think perhaps I should train Zephyr to wake me up when my alarm goes off.

I'm trying to work on a take-home exam and on a paper for another class. I find that my brain no longer works. I'm re-reading an article by Rahner about dogmatic statements, which I understood really well two weeks ago, and now I find it almost incomprehensible. Because of my illness-induced stupor the past week or two, I find that I cannot remember anything we discussed in my other class about Irenaeus, which makes it much more difficult to write anything intelligent about his theological narrative.

At the rate I am going, I will have these assignments done within a month after they're due (on Monday). I need to force myself to keep working, but when my brain is mush that doesn't work so well. I'm not allowed to consult with other students or faculty about my take-home exam, so I've been asking Zephyr about his thoughts on Rahner (and Irenaeus). Zephyr has so far contributed nothing of use, which makes him about as good a theologian as I am right now.

It's been a while since I've posted a list of funny, out-of-context quotes, so I decided that it was time to post some.

"Say whatever you want about my faith in Jesus Christ, but don't insult my hair!" (Sam)

"A burper dog is not nearly as nice as a Berber rug." (me, to Zephyr)

"Thank you for sharing. I don't mean that in a 'thank you for sharing' way." (Kristen)

"Woof, woof, woof." (Zephyr, while sleeping)

Today is my new birthday. For a while after I was born, my parents raised me as a pagan. During that time, I was very selfish. I used others for my own benefit and threw a fit whenever I didn't get what I wanted. I insisted on getting what I wanted no matter what the inconvenience to others.

Finally, after almost a month of this profligate lifestyle, my parents decided to bring me to faith, so I was baptized. October 19, 1986 became my new birthday. I was still the same baby, but I became God's baby in a new way. Today, I celebrate being a member of God's family for 23 years.

Living with a greyhound is a study in contradictions. At times, Zephyr lookes statuesque and breathtakingly beautiful. Then he asks for a belly rub or awkwardly tries to scratch himself and looks totally goofy. He's second only to the cheetah in speed, but he just wants to sleep. He follows me all over the house but is still independent. He's a gentle giant but he throws around his toys and pounces on them as though he's hunting. He's intelligent and obedient but difficult to train.

He now gets the run of the apartment when I leave, and he's been perfect. No unacceptable chewing, no getting into the trash, no nasty surprises when I come home.

Now that it's getting colder I've given him a blanket along with his dog bed. One day he decided he wanted to bring it to the living room, so he dragged this twin-sized comforter all the way from my room to the living room and then lay down on it.

A proof:

1. Chocolate is deadly for dogs.
2. Jesus said, "Do not give what is holy to dogs."

Therefore: Chocolate is a holy food.

Zephyr is feeling much better now. We've gone almost 5 full days without any accidents in the apartment.

Trisha has a rental car, so yesterday we went to Pet Supplies Plus to trade in the crate I got for Zephyr for a bigger crate. I got the first crate before I got him, and it was the size recommended for greyhounds, but Zephyr is definitely on the very large side for a greyhound.

Anyway, we went to Pet Supplies Plus and brought Zephyr along so he could pick out some toys. He did a lot of sniffing but very little choosing. We'd try offering him various toys and see what he did. By this process, we got him a stuffed duck and a very soft squirrel (we had to get him a squirrel because if he sees them outside he goes crazy). Then we got him a hoof and a beef shank. We tried to get him interested in a Notre Dame colored football, but he didn't care about it. He is more of a track and field kind of guy. As we were on our way out to the checkout counter, he found a delightful stuffed elephant. I knew it was delightful because he grabbed it in his mouth and took it with him to the checkout counter. It was really funny. I hadn't planned on getting him a third stuffed animal, but he had clearly learned The Rule of Drool: If he puts his mouth on it, it's his. We took it out of his mouth to scan it, and then he carried it out to the car. He loves that elephant.

Now he enjoys playing with his toys and gathering them all to one place. At the end of the day, Mommy goes around the house and brings them all back to the bedroom. Fortunately, Zephyr sleeps like a champion, so he doesn't play with the toys at night, so Mommy isn't kept awake by the sounds of the squirrel squeaker.

As I write this, Zephyr is (no surprise) sleeping. The only thing he loves more than his elephant toy is his dog bed.

I realized I haven't written on this in over a week, which has to be a record for me. It's been a rough week. Last week was one of those weeks I was so busy and so tired that almost nothing really got done.

My car broke down on the 19th, and last week I found out the engine is dead. I have to figure out a way to get a rebuilt engine, but that'll take time and money, and currently I haven't been able to find anything. The mechanic told me it wasn't worth it, but on my budget, it makes sense to buy a new engine rather than buy another car with its own unknown problems. So I need to get back in touch with the mechanic, but right now I can't drive over to see him. I was going to call today but my phone died, and I needed to use what little power it had to keep in touch with the vet (more on that later). To further complicate things, my roommate's car was totaled on Saturday so we've had no car for a few days.

Zephyr has been sick. He's had diarrhea. This is really bad for our carpet; I've spent hours and used 2+ full bottles of carpet cleaner, and there are still stains. I feel like I've spent half my week scrubbing the carpet. Of course, it's not pleasant for Zephyr, either. He's lost over 10 pounds in the past week, and it shows. His foster mom was relieved that I'm committed to keeping him; I think she was worried that I'd just get frustrated and give up, even though he really does deserve to finally have some stability in his life. But it's not his fault he's sick, and when I'm home and awake, he lets me know when he needs to go out. To me, adopting a dog is a commitment, one I would only refuse if (a) it were clear that the dog is not a good fit and could not be happy in my living situation (this is where pre-adoption research is really important), or (b) the dog had major behavioral issues that couldn't be worked out (aggression, inability to be housetrained, etc.). Neither of those things apply to Zephyr.

Fortunately, a really nice guy in my department came over at 8am today so I could drop Zephyr off at the vet, because he really needed to go there (especially given his significant weight loss and the fact that he'd had symptoms for more than 24 hours). I'm really grateful that he was willing and able to help Zephyr and me out. Also, word apparently spread in the department that he was sick, and a lot of other people expressed willingness to help if they could. I still haven't made any good friends in the department yet, but they're all really nice people, and I think forming friendships is really a matter of time (and my emotional state).

Speaking of which, I think I'm having a relapse of depression. It's hard feeling that here, because I don't have a good group of friends nearby to support me, and I haven't found anyone here who seems to understand how I'm feeling, and I don't want to drop bombshells on people when they're just getting to know me. For now, it'll have to be enough that I have some friends on speed-dial and that when they're busy, I can cry into Zephyr's fur. If this persists, I'll have to wait for my car's engine to be replaced before I can see my doctor.

Oddly enough, I feel fake when I let my depression show, because I know I just want someone to notice and to care, but when I'm actually faking happiness to keep up appearances, I don't feel nearly as fake. It's a twisted world when pretending is so natural that showing what's real feels like a lie.

Here are some pictures I've taken so far of Zephyr. I think you will agree that he is a very handsome guy!

Well, I went and picked up Zephyr (formerly known as Gavin) today.

The way home was... eventful. My car broke down on the highway, so Zephyr and I chilled in the backseat for a couple of hours waiting for help to come. Now I just hope that I can get my car fixed quickly and without too much expense.

We got home well, and I got to take him with me thanks to a nice dog-friendly tow truck driver.

Zephyr is currently sleeping on his dog bed next to my desk. He's already living up to his breed's reputation as a couch potato. Now I'm glad I paid more for a really great durable dog bed, because I know he'll be using it a lot. The average greyhound sleeps for 18-20 hours a day. I wish I could do that!

Seeing him inside my apartment shows me again how huge he is. He's as tall as my desk, or as tall as my dining room table. He's a huge dog. He also has an enormous bladder, as I discovered when I took him outside for a bathroom run. He's already made me laugh, like when he sniffed my stuffed dog and immediately grabbed it and ran away with it. He's been whining a little bit, which is only natural on his first night in a new place without his familiar human and canine buddies.

I'm already feeling very bonded to him. It'll probably take some time for that feeling to be mutual, just because Zephyr needs to get to know me a bit and figure out that I'm his new mommy. I'm surprised at how strongly I feel about him already, how much protectiveness and affection and pride I already have for him. I imagine a much stronger but similar thing happens with a new baby.

I know dogs don't cure depression, but I am feeling quite a bit better now that I have one. Even the car breaking down hasn't disrupted my emotional equilibrium. (Tomorrow, though, when I'm a bit less tired, I'll probably be really upset about it.) Now that Zephyr is here, I finally feel like I'm home.

It looks like something good is going to come out of the whole Obama fiasco. Today I got an e-mail from Fr. Jenkins about the need to "engage the Notre Dame community with the issues raised." The e-mail contains some encouraging information. I've reproduced the e-mail in its entirety:

( Read more )

I don't normally have any major emotional feeling about my birthday. I don't get really excited, but I don't feel any worse, either.

For some reason, this year is different. I ought to feel excited because on Saturday I get to bring my greyhound home, and so it doesn't matter what I do on Sunday. Yet I can't deny that the mention of my birthday depresses me.

I think the problem is that I don't know anyone here well enough to really celebrate with anyone else. I've broached the subject with my roommate, who tells me that she thinks birthdays are overrated, so I won't be celebrating with her, obviously (especially because, rightly or not, I always feel like she's judging me). I think mainly thinking about my birthday is depressing because none of my friends are here, so I can't have an informal celebration with them (which is what I usually do). Instead, my birthday will be a reminder that no one here knows me well enough yet to care to celebrate (or even remember) my birthday, and that those with whom I would want to share my birthday are not here. I could send out an e-mail to the MTS students setting up an informal birthday party, but the fact is, I don't want to celebrate my birthday with people I barely know. I don't want to have to act happy to be alive when I'm not.

I'm going to try and make plans to celebrate my birthday on my own. I can go out and eat chocolate at the chocolate cafe, maybe take Zephyr to the park. I'll see what else is going on around here, if there's a movie playing or something. Maybe I'll go to the campus art museum and look at the exhibit I've wanted to see (it's about eating disorders, though, so it's not very happy).

Celebrating alone sounds depressing, but I'd rather be with myself and not feel judged for wanting to celebrate or fake for trying to act happy. I think it will be good for me to be myself by myself. And then if friends from the past take the time to call, I'll be able to answer.

I feel like a real grad student. I've written two papers in the past week.

I'll feel even more like a grad student if my papers are actually any good.

Today I went to meet some greyhounds. I was fortunate enough to be chosen for adoption by this greyhound:



His name is Gavin. In one week, his name will be Zephyr and he will be my dog.

He is a very large dog (he was the biggest one there), with beautiful brindle coloring. He's four years old. His ears prick up like they do in this picture when he's interested in something, and when he's relaxed, his ears lie flat. It's really adorable to see the change in his expression when he sees something interesting.

I went to the tent where the greyhounds were, and Zephyr (Gavin) glued himself to my side. He's an attention hog, so this wasn't unusual behavior, but even when other people were around he still wanted to lean on me. All he wanted to do was to make sure he was touching me. So Zephyr (Gavin) made the decision for me. He'll be here just in time for my birthday; what a great gift to myself!